What is Compassion?
Compassion is recognising and a sensitivity that difficulty exists with a desire to end that difficulty. This can be for others of ourselves.
It is more than just a feeling, and can be a felt sense, empathy, being moved to responding to the difficulty.
The qualities of compassion can involve kindness, warmth, caring, patience, wisdom, gentleness, empathy.
Why does compassion matter?
Our instinct as humans is to move away from difficulty, this keeps us safe, remember that phrase ‘curiosity killed the cat’.
Consider this, When difficulty exists do you
· Distract yourself?
· Feel anxious, angry, sad?
· Look away?
· Criticise yourself or others?
· Find it hard or easy to accept help?
· Unable to accept and move forwards?
Compassion allows us to recognise that difficulty is here and allows us to take the necessary steps for the suffering and difficulty to end and for healing to take place.
Caring is a fundamental part of our human experience and social groups, it helps us to connect with others. This gives our life meaning and purpose.
If we make a mistake, how do we respond to that? With a strong, kind, reassuring voice? Or with a critical voice? Harsh, mocking? Cajoling, encouraging, supportive? What does a compassionate caring voice sound and feel like?
Compassion is a caring part of being human, it can also be a set of skills we can develop and grow. We can grow our compassionate self, a part of us that is warm, kind, without judgement, always has our best interests at heart.
Humans are fallible, as such we can learn more about compassion for ourselves and others. Suffering and difficulty is a part of life, how we respond to it matters, for yourself and others.
The Flow of Compassion
I once heard the Dali Lama once describe the flow of compassion. He offered this simple message.
Be kind to yourself, then you can be kind to the person next to you, they can be kind to the person next to them, it ripples outwards. Kindness and compassion are gifts. This is the flow of compassion and kindness, it ripples outwards and flows back towards us.
Compassion can often be viewed as a bit fluffy, or for people who mediate or people who are known for kindness e.g., Mother Teresa, Buddhist monks etc.
For a moment, consider:
· The experience of an encouraging teacher or mentor who valued you and believed in you
· A Doctor, Dentist, Nurse or similar who stayed calm when you were not
· A friend who has been supportive at a time of need
· A favourite pet who comforted you when needed
What was this like? What did it feel like?
Compassion can be strong, active, protective, supportive, fierce. It is not always easy.
If I take my child to the Dentist or Doctor for a procedure, am I being kind and compassionate? What qualities and attitudes can we bring to this situation to offer compassion, kindness? How would we demonstrate this with our behaviour or words?
Compassion Focussed therapy
Compassion Focussed Therapy has been developed by Professor Paul Gilbert and takes an evolutionary and Bio-Psycho-social approach in Psychotherapy.
In the most simplistic form, it considers 3 main systems.
Threat tends to be focused on seeking protection from dangers. Drive with a focus attuned to wanting, seeking, aspiring or striving. Soothing tends to be focussed to giving and receiving care, affecting, and nurturance. Healthy functioning of the soothing system is necessary for self-soothing – without it individuals are prone to self-criticism, self-attack, and shame. The 3 systems in balance and well developed is desirable.
Compassionate Mind Training helps us to understand, and work with, our tricky brains. It builds our abilities to use our bodies to support our minds, and develop the courage and wisdom to address our life difficulties and flourish. The compassionate mind tries to live to be helpful not harmful.
Compassion Tips
Recognising that difficulty exists, this is hard right now
We are only human, humans are fallible and make mistakes. This is normal, we can learn from this.
Know that you can turn towards difficulty and difficult emotions, with kindness and warmth.
Ask yourself this,
· What do I need in this moment?
· What is the wisest, kindest thing for me? For others?
· What are my needs in life?
· How do I get my needs met?
Care for yourself because you matter, just because you breathe.
Growing the soothing, compassionate part of you. What nourishes you? Relax you? Cares for you? Gives you a sense of well-being?
We can set boundaries, that have our best interests at heart while being sensitive to others.
Germinating Compassion
We can sow the seed of compassion but will need to attend to it so that it can grow.
How can you help your compassionate self to grow?
Psychological flexibility is protective of our mental health. An openness to growth, our values, our attitudes – kindness, warmth, curiosity. Setting the intention to be committed to compassion towards ourselves and others.